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Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.