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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.