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Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards