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I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.