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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.