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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.