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My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.