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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.