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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.