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Please don`t hastag out loud...
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.