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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!