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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...