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"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks