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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
bras are booby-traps
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.