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Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.