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I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.