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i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Gun Control: Use both hands
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.