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I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”