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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.