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My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.