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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?