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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.