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Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.