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Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Word for the day is asstard
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.