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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.