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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.