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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M