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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.