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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...