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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.