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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.