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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards