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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus