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There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?