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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.