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It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it