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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`