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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.