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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is