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It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers