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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
I`m having an out of money experience.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".