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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson