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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...