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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.