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When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.