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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)