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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.