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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!