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I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?