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The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?