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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!