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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data