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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Long story short, I love summaries
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.