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The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.