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Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!