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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen