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Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis