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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)