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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.