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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
I drink to make other people interesting.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
"Iām not drunk!ā is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.