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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.