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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.