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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
My life is loosely based on a true story.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.