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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?