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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.