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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.