Daily Silly Status

This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs

So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!

I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.

I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.

I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.

Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.

Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".

An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...

popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?