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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?