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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?