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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.