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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.