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Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever