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I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them