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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?