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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.